She said her name was "party"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
