the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
