Cold hands, warm shart.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
