I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
