I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
