Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
