RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
