Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
