"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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