I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
