my phone needs a breathalizer
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
