So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
