i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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