So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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