So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
