New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
