yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
