Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
