so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
