Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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