don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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