there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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