He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
