Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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