I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
