I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Randomize
