his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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