Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
