worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
