Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
