I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
