I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
