I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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