moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
