I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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