Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
