Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
