I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
