You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
