Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
