First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You are a genius and a whore.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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