guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
