he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
