Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
