It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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