Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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