i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
