How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
