he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
