Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
