Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
