remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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